What Will I Regret?

Finishing up the last bit of unpacking, I unzipped a section of a suitcase and discovered last year's prayer journal. Of course I had to sit and page through it for a little while (I had a pizza in the oven, so I had time). Its entries brought back memories, as each prayer poured out my heart to the Lord. Some prayers shared joy, some gave thanks for a few of the many, many blessings I have been given. Others resonated with fear, worry, uncertainty, and insecurity; feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, unworthiness, and discouragement were scratched on the pages in jagged letters. Reading some entries brought back waves of pain still alive, perhaps forgiven but never forgotten; reading others made me frankly rejoice in the power found in letting go and moving on.

At the end of the journal, however, is where I always jot down random thoughts, ideas for songs and poems, and cool quotes. This is what I found at the back of this journal:

I have heard it said that everyone "must do the things you'll regret not doing." Yet I look around and see plenty of people who never did half the things they wanted to do, and regret is covered by contentment with God's plan for their lives. So I wonder if the phrase might be said more appropriately, "you must do the things God calls you to do, or you will regret not doing them."

Jesus, when praying in the garden of Gethsemane, modeled for us the prayer of true humility. Although He was fully God, and therefore His will really was exactly the same as His Father's, He was also fully human and really didn't want to face the tortures that He knew were ahead. In complete surrender, He prayed, “Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” Luke 22:42 NKJV

I heard the concept of a "bucket list" long ago and have compiled my own list of things I would like to accomplish during my time here on earth. While they are all good things, if I go to heaven without ever riding an ostrich, I really doubt that it will be on my mind while I'm standing on those golden streets, face to face with my Savior and falling at His feet. Should I live to old age, when I am old and sick and my great-grandchildren are standing around my bed telling me it's OK to let go and pass away, I don't think my last words will be, "I never went parasailing!"

However, if I do not live according to God's plan for my life, if I make stupid choices and disobey His commands, if I ignore His calling and go my own way...imagine the regret at the end of my life when I know it could've been so much greater had I only obeyed my Lord! It is the stuff of nightmares to think that I could get to heaven and see my Savior, only to have Him tell me that He had a great plan for me and wanted to use me in incredible ways, but I was too rebellious and headstrong to listen and obey and therefore wasted the time I was given.

So what do I do with the time that I have? Do I choose to go my own way and do the things I want to do? Rather, I want to do the things that God has called me to do, knowing that not only would I regret not doing them, but also knowing that only in doing them will I find fulfillment and peace.

The Weight of Forgiveness

Image not mine

Good Friday, 2012.

The paper rested in my hand, intimidating even in its diminutive size. This little sticky note represented my sin, but as I closed my eyes, the weight of my sin threatened to overwhelm me. Words catapulted toward me - words like pride, disbelief, ingratitude, complacency, disrespect... How could I sum up my sin on this little yellow strip of paper?

Slowly I began to write, then faster, until the side with the adhesive seemed nearly covered in words and I felt I could not write more without repeating variations of things I had already written. I stared at the sticky note as the pastor's words continued, speaking about the sins represented here being the reason for a death. A man died on a cross to erase that slip of paper. The familiar story, yet somehow more alive, more real, as the evidence stared me in the face. I was the guilty one who condemned an innocent man. Mine is the sin that caused Him to die. My life is the one He gave up His life to save.

My attention was directed to the wooden cross lying on the stage, red ribbons flowing from the upright nails driven into the beams. At the call, each person in attendance rose and attached their sticky note to the cross.

Suddenly the small yellow paper felt so heavy. I looked at what I had written. My heart seemed to rise in my chest. Forgive me, Lord.

Immediately the answer came back. I already have.

IT IS FINISHED.

I followed the stream of people approaching the cross. I knelt near the foot. I don't know why You want me, Lord, but You paid for this sinner and I am Yours. Gently I dropped the sticky note onto the wooden beam. As I rose, a church elder took my hand and pressed a small nail into my palm. I walked back to my seat and held the nail, a symbol of what had been done for me.

As the last person left the cross, it was nearly completely covered in little yellow pieces of paper. The weight of forgiveness suddenly hit me. Every single sticky note represented a person for whom Christ died, a person with sins for which He atoned. Every single sticky note represented weight of guilt carried no more, but transferred to the shoulders of the perfect sacrifice. Every single sticky note commemorated gratitude for an unbelievable, inconceivable, beautiful, wonderful Savior!

 

Seasons of Life

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3:1, NKJV

Growing up in Arizona and then Southern California, I didn't learn much about seasons. There was hot, and then hotter, and then not so hot, and then hot again. Most plants weren't in the habit of losing leaves, and on the few plants that did, the leaves usually simply turned brown and fell off. I saw photographs of different seasons in different areas of the country, but I hadn't experienced changing seasons firsthand.

Fast forward to October 2011. En route to a family reunion, my mother and I visited friends and relatives in Illinois, Indiana, and Wisconsin. I left balmy beach weather behind and reveled in crisp autumn breezes, wide open skies, and trees that wore a wide spectrum of beautiful hues. I saw cornfields that stretched as far as the eye could see and sunsets that were even bigger. Most importantly, however, was what I heard. Amidst the crickets and cicadas, louder than the voices of friends and family, softer than the summer rain, I heard a still, small voice. A voice that declared a purpose over me, a call to submission, a challenge.

And so, five months later, I hugged goodbye to the dearest people on earth to me and set out on the adventure of a lifetime.

And five months after that, I need a daily reminder that it is an adventure, a season. I am ashamed to admit that I so easily lose my focus on the reason why I am here. When I take my eyes off the One who placed me here and His purpose for me, it's easy to get distracted with lonely days, lonely nights, and unfamiliar places and faces. Yet it seems that the whole reason I am here is to get away from distractions and grow in my faith while on my own.

I can certainly say that my walk with Christ is different now than it used to be. Living on my own and being a self-sufficient adult has made me truly realize my own insufficiency. Surviving on a paycheck, budgeting every penny, and being responsible for all my own bills are concepts that my parents wisely introduced me to at a younger age, but this time it's really real, and there's no safety net. I am learning daily to trust my Lord like never before, simply because I have never really had to before.

I'm also constantly learning other lessons, things the Lord has probably wanted to teach me for a long time but I've been too busy, distracted, or complacent to learn. Lessons such as what "love thy neighbor" really means when my neighbor actually means anyone God brings into my path. Lessons such as correctly prioritizing both my time and my money to bring Him the glory as well as survive. Lessons such as cramming three loads of laundry into one dryer to save the cost of drying each individually doesn't actually save money because then you still have wet clothes and you have to dry them again. Well, I had to learn sometime!

Since moving in March, I watched the seasons change as spring and summer appeared, bringing with them other experiences new to me such as honking geese and blinking fireflies. I look forward to a continuation of this ever-changing cycle (especially since I've never lived in snow before!), but I'm learning to savor each season and the unique perspectives and experiences it brings. I know God has great things for me farther down the road, but I'm content to wait for His timing - if moving across the country taught me anything, it's that the destination is just another stop along the journey.

♥

Hello again!

Hello blog friends! My goodness it's been a long time... I'm sorry I have been on such a long hiatus but, well, life kind of got busy and I was trying to figure out how to juggle everything. I'm going to try to get back to blogging regularly, we'll see if it works. :)

One big thing that has happened recently -- I just got back from a week-long mission trip to Haiti! People always ask me "how it was" -- the honest answer is "heartbreaking." Here's an excerpt from the newsletter I wrote after I returned:

 

 Hello friends and family!

As you know, I had the opportunity to spend a week in Haiti building playgrounds to bless the children of one of the poorest countries on earth. However, after returning to America, I think I can say that we were blessed just as much as the children!

About 55 people, from across the United States, flew into Port-au-Prince Friday and Saturday; we were then divided into three teams and each team built a playground in a week. Our team built a playground at the Maison des Enfants de Dieu orphanage (which means, in English, House of Children of God), home to over 80 The vast majority of Haitian people live in poverty unimaginable to anyone who has not witnessed it firsthand. Most children must grow up fast in order to survive. A playground provides a safe place and touches its entire community by bringing joy to kids and their families.

I cannot begin to describe to you how my heart was broken so many times for these beautiful children, so hungry for love and attention. I only know that Jesus loves them more than I can even imagine, and to be His hands and feet for a week and love on these kids was a truly life-changing experience.

The Battle's On

"After all, he's not a tame lion." -Mr. Tumnus, "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"

It's been awhile since I posted here...my apologies. There has been a lot going on and a lot on my heart. And there are a lot of blog posts that I have in my head, and will eventually post - just haven't gotten around to it yet! I promise!

I have spent the last week and a half grounded to the couch, the chair, the bed...and am still walking gingerly and trying to spend as little time as possible on my feet. Tendonitis in both feet made them ache constantly, and made standing, much less walking, almost unbearable. I did not go to work, to various events, or even to church. Granted, I still had my personal devotions, and the fellowship of my family, but I was out of fellowship with other believers for a week, and in nearly constant pain. And somewhere in the middle I found myself struggling with complacency. Funny how Satan likes to kick us when we're down, hmm?

Something impressed upon me during this time was 2 Timothy 2. There is much to learn from this chapter, but certain verses seem to follow a theme. May I share it with you?

Verse 1:
You therefore, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

Be strong in Jesus' grace. What is strength? Our culture tries to define strength in so many ways. But thankfully our Lord does not leave us without a definition - one of His great attributes is that He never tries to confuse us or leave us wondering.

Verses 3-4:

You therefore must endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier.

So what is strength? For one, it is being willing to "endure hardship;" for another, it is keeping yourself free from distractions.

The adversary loves to throw so many distractions at us. So many things call for our attention. How many times have I finally logged off the computer at night, ashamed that I spent hours in meaningless stuff when I only spend 10-20 minutes in prayer? How many times have I began an activity with my heart in the right place, only to find that, after a few minutes, my mind begins to wander and I end up with a completely different attitude?

Verse 15:

Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

Be diligent...present yourself...a worker who does not need to be ashamed...rightly dividing... The words ring out like a battle cry, a call to arms. Distractions? They have no chance against the diligent soldier of Christ.

Now it probably seems incongruous to mix the Chronicles of Narnia with a local rodeo, but bear with me - real strength, in men and women of God, comes from Him. You cannot fight this battle on your own. A soldier would look pretty silly marching alone under his own banner while everyone else fights together. A cowboy would sound kind of stupid boasting about riding the coin-operated toy horses at the supermarket. On our own, we're destined to fall to the distractions and constant spiritual warfare...by the strength of our God, we stand, unashamed. And chapter 4, verse 7, proclaims the well-known victory cry:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

The battle's on. Which side are you on, soldier?

Desires of the Heart

Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

We've all heard this verse, many times, and usually rephrase it, "...and He will give you whatever your heart desires." But what if give doesn't mean give like you think it means give?

What if give means... "and He will give your heart the desires He wants you to have"? Rather than simply give us whatever we want, He would much rather change our hearts to want what He wants!

C. S. Lewis once said, "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." How true! Because sometimes the lessons He has for us to learn, though they may be unpleasant and even painful during the learning process, are all for our good.

An insight recently given to me by a friend was based on Psalm 37:3-4~

Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

If we break this down, it might look something like this: Trust in the Lord, let Him guide you without doubting Him; do good, continue to obey what you know He has commanded; dwell in the land, bloom where you're planted -- shine for Him and work for His glory, right where He has you; feed on His faithfulness, use the time to grow and learn of His faithfulness and love. Delight yourself in the Lord, let Him be the most important thing in your life; He'll give you the desires of your heart, but they may not be the same as what you currently desire -- He may change your heart to desire the same as what He desires, and want what He wants.

Wow. That hit me right where I needed it...because lately I've been struggling a little with contentment. In the last few weeks especially God has used songs, worship time, and Godly advice to get me to see that He has placed me where I am, right now, for a reason and that He is using me right here and now. That I don't have to go somewhere else to be used, but He can use me anywhere. That if He wants to use me elsewhere, He will move me elsewhere...until then, I'm here.

At the same time He asked me to be not only content but even happy with the current circumstances He's given me...because contentment is not really contentment if I don't appreciate what I'm being content with! I can say all day long that I am content with being in California...but if I am not OK with the idea of staying here for as long as God has for me to be here, however long that may be, I'm not really content.

Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. Philippians 4:11


"But God," I say in my heart, "I want to serve You! I want to do great things for You! Why can't I go on a missions trip somewhere and serve You in some visible way?"

And then I walk through a store and end up in an hour long conversation with a random woman, spending half that time witnessing to her. "Wow, God," I say, "You used me in an unexpected way, in an unexpected place." And then I hold the door open for a mom struggling with one hand holding a toddler and the other hand holding a baby carrier, and she thanks me and walks away. "Wow, God," I say, "You used me in a way nobody else knows about, but special to You."

And I feel God tug at my heart (I'd rather that than a slap on the head!), saying, "Are you paying attention? Do you see what I'm doing? I'm using you!"

"Yes, Lord," I say and bow my heart in worship. "I understand. Use me however You will. I want to desire what You desire. And when You want to use me, wherever and whenever that may be, let me be sensitive to Your voice and ready to do Your will. And if You choose to use me elsewhere, that will be Your choice; I am content wherever You place me, for however long You choose. Your will be done."

It is then that I understand the truth of 1 Timothy 6:6 ~ "Now godliness with contentment is great gain."

This little light of mine...

I was at work overhearing a conversation between two coworkers about another coworker. The first two, which I'll call A and B, were laughing at coworker C, who likes to appear tough but is actually rather immature. In an attempt to defend my friend C, I spoke up. "He hasn't always been like that. I knew him, like, 3 years ago and he wasn't like that."

"Yeah," said coworker B. "He used to be a goody Christian."

Ouch. That one hurt.

Not even so much because I felt sorry for my friend...but because it was a testimony lost, a witness gone down the drain. There was a time when that specific friend had a great testimony, but even if he tried, no one would listen to him right now.

Of course, the moral of the story (which we don't like to think about) is that it could be anyone.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Let's face it - it's hard to be a light in the midst of darkness. Especially since the darkness fights back - and the darkness is stronger than we are! Thank God our light comes from Him, not of ourselves - we would never be strong enough on our own to keep our lights shining.

But what is the purpose of the light? Are we shining pointlessly? Does it make a difference whether our light shines or goes out?

You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine! This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine! This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine! Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..." Funny how the songs we sing as children sometimes reflect the weightiest decisions we make in life. It's a choice to let your light shine...or not.

Sometimes it feels like you're the only one shining in the middle of the darkness - don't give up! You will be blessed for hanging in there. Other times it feels like everything is chaos and unstable, that it would be easier to simply give in and compromise your light. Again, you will be blessed for holding on, even if you can't yet see how.

How do I know? Because I've been there, done that - and let me tell you, our God is faithful.

He is the Giver of all light, the One who spoke light into existence - He is more than capable of keeping your light shining.

No Greater Love

I'm going to be rather blunt today...with myself and with you. Are you ready?

Recently, a very serious relationship I was happily involved in came to an end.

Wow. Interesting to see that in print. I think most people reading this, however, can feel the pain behind that statement.

And you can probably identify with the question that now hangs over me: now what?

Where do I go from here? What do you do when you don't know what you thought you knew? Now what do I do?

I face those questions physically, trying to decide what God wants for my life now. Do I move? Stay here? Try to get a new job? Keep this one? Start a career?

But the place those questions truly haunt is spiritual. Oh, how easy it would be to question God.

Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips. Job 2:9-10

Maybe you're going through the same thing; probably you're going through something different. But I can guarantee there is something (or multiple things) in all of our lives that Satan would like to use to convince us to question God, to doubt His goodness and His master plan.

Have you questioned God? Have you doubted Him?

But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” Romans 9:20

Who are we to question God? Who are we to doubt His goodness, His love, or even His very character?

And yet...I confess that I have doubted His love. Having someone love me, then stop, has caused me to be insecure about love. Not that I think God will stop loving me...but there is now a doubt that I never felt before. Suddenly, the definition of being in love with God is no longer so clear.

Standing in worship, I raised my hands and tears streamed down my face. "God, do You really love me?" my heart cried.

And then we sang this song:



And I felt His love pouring over me, over and over again. And I heard Him tell my heart, "I love you. I have always loved you. I died for you...it's already been done. That's My proof. I will never stop loving you."

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:9-10

...that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

"Lilies of the Field"

It wasn't the easiest of days; my head was being stretched in several different directions and my heart was heavy. Funny how, on days like that when we need Him most, that the Father likes to so gently remind us how much He loves us?

Busily moving about and tending to business, I saw something out of the corner of my eye that stopped me in my tracks. What appeared to be just an ordinary patch of clover in an ordinary grassy lawn was anything but....because, standing tall and holding its head up proudly, a beautiful little daisy was poking up.

I stopped to look closer. I got down on my knees to get a better look. It crowned its thin stem, towering over the clover and grass, not ashamed to stand alone, to stand out.

On even closer look, I realized it was far from perfect. It was bruised...battered...beaten. Petals were bent and marred. Yet rather than hide from scrutiny, it continued to lift its cheerful face to the sunshine -- and the God who created both.

For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away: but the word of the Lord endureth for ever. And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you. 1 Peter 1:24-25

Ah God...my heart is convicted. How many times have I hidden behind my pain or my stress and worry, cried out to You that I cannot possibly praise You in light of the circumstances...the circumstances that You placed in my life. And it took a beautiful bruised daisy to reveal this to me!

The more I looked around, the more I realized how many flowers You placed around me. Most go unnoticed, living their short lives only to please You and then expiring after fulfilling the purpose for which they were created.

As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes. For the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. Psalm 103:15-16

Some flowers are around me because I planted them there, because I desired their beauty around me. In the same way, You place me - plant me, even - where You want me, where You desire to show Yourself to the people around me.

Some flowers seem insignificant; they go unnoticed most of the time. Their sole purpose is to live their short lives to glorify God. How I want to glorify You, Father...whether or not I am noticed by men. In fact, make me whatever kind of flower You desire, that the glory may go only to You and not to me.

But should You decide to bestow me with more glory, as some showy flowers, may I never withhold it for myself and refrain from giving it all back to You, the One to whom belong "glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created.” Revelation 4:11

 Lord, make my life, my flower, one that glorifies You. One that people see and automatically praise You because of Your light in me. One that does not bring attention to itself but to the Creator.

Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Matthew 6:27-29

Oh God...in everything I do, be glorified!

Faith?

 out of control

o do,

We were in a boat in the middle of Lake Havasu. The weather was almost unbearably hot, but the water was cool and refreshing and we were having a lot of fun. That is…until the boat wouldn’t start.

The boat didn’t even belong to us. A friend had allowed us to borrow it to enjoy on the lake that day. We were unfamiliar with the boat’s operation, and though it had been running just fine all morning, when it would not start back up, we had no idea what to do. Though there were many other boats on the lake, we suddenly felt alone and unsure.

 

What to do? Well of course prayer was in order, immediately! As I watched my uncle trying again and again to get the starter to catch, I prayed, “Lord, if it be Your will, please let the boat start!”

And then someone in our group said something like, “We just need to have faith that God will make it start!”

Whoa. Back up.

Prayer, take two. Suddenly my prayer was not so much about the boat, but in questioning what I was praying! Who was right? I sat in the boat and contemplated faith.

I had full faith that God could make that boat start, if He chose to do so. But what if that was not what He chose to do? If He chose another solution to our situation, what did that say about my faith?

Nothing. My faith was placed in God’s ability -- as well in His wisdom. Again, I have faith that He could’ve started that boat. In His wisdom, He chose a different solution – we called a boat tow service, which pulled us to shore. In fact, the tow cost us nothing because the boat’s owners had a membership with that service. The outing still ended nicely as we successfully trailered the boat and returned it (the owners were glad we were not stranded and were not in the least upset about the situation).

What if my faith had been placed only in God’s ability to resolve the problem with that single solution? Would my faith have been shaken when He chose to answer our prayers in a different way?

“…whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” James 4:14-15

“…if it be Your will…” is something I often tag into my prayers, but how often do I really stop to think what it means? “If it be Your will” acknowledges that sometimes my understanding of a situation, my ideas of how God should fix it, is not necessarily the same as His.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

For instance, I would never have guessed that He would choose to use a fun day on the lake to teach me an important lesson on faith.